and it's off to the beach for us!

Bill thought we needed a break from reality so we are off the Clearwater, FL to meet his parents. We'll leave early tomorrow (5am) and return Monday. We love the beach and I think it will be good for us. This next surgey will be here before we know it and we don't know if we'll be able to go on our spring break trip. The kids are very excited.

I did call and request a new pathologist to re-read my slides...just to be sure.

Off to the beach!

It's working!

All this 'blah blah blah" I've been doing seems to be working. My fear factor is going down...lots. My next surgery date is March 25th.

1 fear vs another....

So I have, of course, been doing lots of reading. One thing many women say over and over is that they feared the cancer more than the treatment. Maybe that's my problem. I don't fear the cancer more than the treatment. I only fear the treatment. Maybe because I can't 'feel' the cancer...I don't feel sick, etc. But my breasts are real and I can feel them. If this cancer is taken care of it will not harm me...hence the no fear. I wish I could change my fear around....be afraid of the cancer. Maybe then the surgery wouldn't scare me so much.

On a happy note my awesome husband had a surprise waiting for me on the treadmill this morning. He knows I get up earlier than him and had put a new ipod nano on the tread so I would see it first thing! I had been borrowing Zach's. He's so sweet. Thanks Billy! I really do like it. Can't wait to figure out all the fun stuff it does.

clearing my head

Hmmm, this blog used to be just for sharing pictures of the kids with relatives and friends who lived far away. I would put up pics and very few words...just give people a little glimpse into our life. Now I feel like I'm putting up naked pics of myself. I like to keep things to myself. I can't do that with this..... I think I will be a very different person after all this. Hopefully for the better.

I wake up every morning and for a split second life is good and then I remember. I hate waking up and crying. That is not me. I know it will get better and that this is just so new, but I want me back. I want to be full of energy and happy and laughing. We'll get there but it's going to be so much harder than we thought. I am so afraid of this next surgery. I don't really 'do' doctors or pills...I don't even like band-aids!

On the up-side....we have been just showered with love from all around. Our friends and family have been amazing. We have offers of help and ears to listen and lots of prayers being said. Things like this really do show the best in people. Bill and I have always been a little 'picky' about our friends as neither one of us is very out-going. We'd just as soon stay home together than anything else. Through this we see what an amazing group of friends we have accumulated through the years. That helps a lot. I don't know. We just go through each day and know it will slowly get better.

sorry for the rambling...but, it is MY blog! This can't all stay in my head. You can stop reading and just wait for the fun kid pics! I won't be insulted...heck, I won't even know!

yes, I do still have some kids

O with cookie crumbs
O hiding in the bushes....still with the cookie crumbs
O and Cait
Cait

Finally, we could get outside to play! Glad it is Friday and we don't have to wake up early tomorrow. I think I may go back to DeNial ....just for the weekend. We may hear about a surgery date on Monday. Blah.

haven't had pics in a while...

Auntie
they love their Auntie
Under Owen's bed

again.

I am back from my trip to DeNial. Some how things are still the same. I must decide on a uni-lateral or bi-lateral mastectomy. What a choice. How do you make a choice like that? I don't want to make a choice out of fear, but there is no way to know if the left side is healthy. Do I take a gamble and keep the left and hope that the fear factor subsides? Do I do both and know that I will have NO feeling in my entire chest but also eliminate my chance of another round of cancer? Only I can make this choice but it sure is hard. I know what Bill would prefer, I think I know what my Dr would do, but what do I want to do? Maybe I'll go back to DeNial........

Did I mention that I hate cancer?

I have an announcement....

I have decided that I do not have cancer anymore. I am done with it and if you need me I will be living in DeNial. Thanks for all the well wishes and concern. I won't be needing it any longer as I am going back to living my life. That's all.

Just so you know

I HATE CANCER.

pics and not so good news

sledding
Zach looking for a mitten....IN the dryer.

Got path report tonight. Looks like the boob will have to go. I will miss her and really don't want her to leave. This sucks.

Snow take II

Out our back door
boys
Billy
more backyard

this kid....

I got some beautiful flowers yesterday and when Zach saw them he said "Mom, it's like everyone knows you have cancer!"

Surgery - Done

(Bill, posting for Kathy)

Surgery is done and was, by all accounts, successful. Lump is off to pathology for confirmation of clear margins. Thanks to Dr Amerson for a steady hand and warm heart. Thanks to John Kaasa for keeping Bill company and caffeinated.

Kathy is resting for the next day or so --- she'll start posting, calling, emailing when she's up for it.

"Out damn spot"......

Tomorrow is the day I get rid of this darn cancer! Out, out I say.

First day of preschool!

eating breakfast
on the stairs.....always on the first day
running to the car
one of her teachers

Cait started preschool today. She was beyond excited and had no qualms about staying. Mommy shed a few tears. I am happy that she is excited and I know she will have fun.

My own personal club.....

"The breast cancer survivors club"

(Karen, Margit, me, Joanne)

this weekend has been amazing. We had a family reunion on my Dad's side. This had been planned many months ago. I felt so lucky to be able to spend the weekend before my surgery with my Aunts who have had breast cancer. Wonderful support and lots of love. Really great timing too. So good to spend time with family that we don't often get to see. Our kids got to meet/re-meet a lot of my Aunts and Uncles, cousins and more. We loved every minute and are very tired! Thanks Mom and Dad for doing this! Thanks everyone for coming. People traveled from NY, CT, OH,AZ, SC, MN...I think that covers all the states!

Color me red! How could I forget Canada? My brother and his wife came all the way from Canada!

random

ice found by Owen

O's invention

A non-cancer day!

O in his bunker
Z jumping
C's dirty feet
John

Today we met Portia after school for some fun at the park. It was a little cold but not too bad and the sun was bright. Tomorrow Cait and I will visit 2 preschools. I am thinking with the radiation treatments coming Cait will be happy to be in school a few mornings a week. If I find the right school she will have fun and want to be there. Wish us luck!`